14TH JULY 2016
I suppose we all needed a light-hearted laugh after all the trauma and Shakespearean drama of the disembowelling of government and the impending divorce from Europe. After Brexit has been finally agreed and we leave the European Community to pave our own path in the world.As I said , we needed a bit of a fillip ..a wee ,dark larky joke to push this new boat out.
Well we got a new Prime Minister , just yesterday, when Theresa May went to the palace to beg for Her Maj’s permission to set up a new government and install herself as Chief Buckstopper. She was photographed kneeling before the very tiny lady who was her queen. Meanwhile her predecessor David Cameron , having narrowly missed being stabbed in the back just before departure, danced out of the backdoor of Buckingham Palace , through the secret passage in the garden , missing any press coverage as he set off on his holidays. He probably breathed a huge sigh of relief to be finally done with the lot of them.
Mrs Mayday immediately grabbed the handle of power and sent out the assassination squad to deal with her assorted enemies.
The first thing was to sack Michael Gove from his job as Justice Secretary and hurriedly replace him while he wiped the flop-sweat from his brow , the tears from his eyes ,while removing his soiled and sullied underpants. That alone , gave us all a good laugh to see the scurrilous wee backstabber getting his just desserts . Who wouldn’t want to be a fly on the wall in that homestead when his pushy , grasping little wife sees all her ambitions trickling through her fingers.She pushed him a little too hard this time and has lost both the friendship of Boris ‘s wife and Mr Cameron’s wife Samantha. Mr Cameron’s children have also lost two sets of God-parents in one fell-swoop….”Do you reject Satan?” “Out Demons Out” ?….. Indeed I do !” Well who needs friends or God-parents like that anyway? Eh?
Meanwhile her namesake Theresa Villiers , who voted “Leave” in her position as Secretary for Norneverland ,has resigned entirely from the Government , obviously seeing whatever position she had been offered on the new Cabinet , as either an insult or untenable.
Then there was the annointing of the “leave” Europe Boris Johnston, as Foreign Minister. She removed the Gove knives from Boris ‘ s bloody back .(There ‘ll probably be a new verb in the next edition of the Oxford English Dictionary….”to be goved” ..trans. : backstabbed by a “friend”)….and handed him his new remit.
The same Boris Johnston who has made so many diplomatic blunders in foreign affairs has been annointed Minister for Foreign Affairs.
……. I’ll leave a moment’s peace for that to sink in…….
This poisoned -chalice sounds more like a death sentence in a very quiet, cobwebbed ,dimly-lit office, to a man who has already compared the EU to Hitler, so you can imagine how his conversations with these “nazis” might go in future discussions.Then he went on to call out the next President of America in a quote …”She represents, on the face of it, everything I came into politics to oppose: not just a general desire to raise taxes and nationalise things, but an all-round purse-lipped political correctness….”She’s got dyed blonde hair and pouty lips, and a steely blue stare, like a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital.” You can also imagine how this charm might work on the most powerful woman on the planet next time they are seated closely at a black-tie dinner function.
Making sure he left no-one out he went on to insult St Patrick’s Day celebrations as “lefty crap” a few years ago , making sure that he would win many Irish friends in the coming years.He also insulted President Obama by saying that his Kenyan roots coloured his views with a hatred of Britain. He said this when Obama made an effort to support the “stay” vote. He also insulted the entire population of Papa New Guinea in 2006 by claiming that they wer prone to a bit of “cannibalism and chief-killing “when the fancy took them.He described the president of Turkey as a “goat wankerer”(SIC). He said that Brits shouldn’t feel too bad about the colonisation of the African continent, citing that the problems in Africa were caused because Britain wasn’t looking after the place anymore.
If you considered it at all you’d imagine that Boris had gleaned everything he knew about foreign policy from old issues of “the Victor” and “the Valiant” comics of the early 1960’s….and it’s quite possible that this is the case.In Borisworld, all the Germans are”huns” and the Japanese all have buck-teeth and scream “Banzai!!!”
Like I say , if you have inherited a Government, replete with an agenda that you mightn’t necessarily want …especially when you wanted to stay in the EU in the first place , the one thing you might need more than anything else might be a well-developed sense of humour .In choosing Boris for a post he is the most unsuitable candidate for , she has displayed that if everything else explodes into chaos and Theresa Mayhem, at least she is capable of telling a good joke, even if the joke is on us.