wine glass

I see this there’s a whole new survey directed soley at me ,just in time to start the new year on the right foot.

The UK government has finally tracked me down and found me huddled in a dimly -lit corner, sipping my third glass of Malbec by candlelight.Their officials have grabbed me by the throat and have told me to get a grip of myself. “There is no safe limit for alcohol consumption!”, they screamed.

Not only that ; they have told me that I am going to die of cancer if I continue on my merry way, sousing my poor old liver, daily, in baths of that good old red wine.The limit, apparently ,is a paltry seven glasses of wine per week? What planet do these officials live on? I’d need that just to keep breathing. They also said that some days should be alcohol-free! Who makes this stuff up? It is obviously a slow month for political news when they wheel out the health experts to instruct us on how best to live our own lives. Let’s see now…they’ve banned plastic bags and smoking.Those two are fair enough. We could see what plastic bags were doing to the environment and they’d foolishly chosen to ban marijuana instead of tobacco so I’ve given up smoking anything from the plant- world some thirty odd years ago, years ago{except for the odd cigar…and even that has gone since the wife stopped smoking}, although I’m sure some bean-counter is gnashing his teeth in a basement somewhere at the loss to the Exchequer when the tobacco taxes stopped flowing into the coffers in torrents. It’s only a matter of time before all these “vapers” are consigned to a dark cellar to indulge the latest nefarious addiction. Now they want to stop us all drinking and close down all the public houses , which is what would ultimately happen.Why don’t they just close all the hospitals while they are at it and get on with it? We could all simply die in our beds at home!
This is the first new advice on alcohol since 1995. They say I shouldn’t save up all those bottles until the weekend ,either and then make a pig of myself by getting drunk on my stashed cache. I always say that the name of the game is to attempt to remain sober so that I can enjoy every mouthful and every minute of my life, in any case.
According to a survey which I’ve just done in the privacy of my backroom, I drink approximately one thousand …and then some ….glasses of red wine annually, given that it’s approximately 365 bottles of wine plus the odd glass of ale, which means that my drinking habits are unlike the average for anyone, or any country , in the survey, but the nearest is Belarus, which apparently is the heaviest-drinking country in the world. Belarus…that’s close to Poland, right? Alcohol remains a major reason of crime, suicide and health problems in Belarus, apparently. What’s wrong with these people? Can they not have a drink and behave themselves?There’s me thinking that the Irish and the Germans were leading the pack on that one. The irish are weel down that league table apparently , even though they’ve cemented the art of drinking and fighting as some kind of Olympic sport or art-form , in the world’s eye. I wonder does that apply to the Irish nation on both sides of the imaginary border. Are the Irish Norneverlanders made from similar cloth as their counterparts a few miles south?
What is the UK government getting its knickers in a twist about now? The UK is only the 24th heaviest-drinking country in the known world . That makes them rank amateurs by all accounts.Why are n’t they equally worried about bombing the bejasus out of Syria and wasting all our money on armaments?
Okay..I know I have to slow down a little and the new year is as good a time as any to break old habits . I blame retirement; it’s like being a student again; all that free time to indulge and no real restraints. Whether it has an adverse effect on my creativity, I’ll leave that judgement to others. From now on Mr. Government , I’m only going to open one bottle of Malbec per day and make that do. You’ll be sorry when the money stops rolling in for all those new bombs you want to make for blowing up all those non-drinkers in foreign climes.I’ve noticed they’ve already upped the price of a bottle of my favourite by £1.50 as the new year broke so somebody already knows that I’v e put the fix in and the coffers will be drying up . That’s quite a price hike, I thought.They obviously know I’ll be buying less but I’ll always buy the stuff at any price. The only good news is that the wife now knows that previous government guidance set out daily drinking limits of three to four units for men and two to three for women. Now they reckon men and women should have equal limits. In the spirit of equality and feminism she can now drink as much as me .
Maybe it is a good time to slow down a bit…..